HOW 2 SURVIVE

After I awoke from my coma, I searched for a blog or first-person account from a survivor. Well, that’s not entirely true. After I awoke from my coma, I thought I was on a 4-star pleasure cruise. My whole family was there, everyone was smiling… & attractive women, in matching uniforms, were bringing me breakfast in bed. The food was delicious. For some reason or another, I had a fist full of $20s in my left hand to tip the wait staff. I made it rain. And I was SO excited to see everyone! This was the BEST VACATION, EVER!

But I wasn’t sure why my Mom burst into tears & began sobbing when I ordered a bottle of champagne & some hot wings for my brother & his girlfriend.

Days later, it occurred to me that I was strapped to that bed & wearing a body cast. The docs laid it on me: I’d been in an accident & my spine was broken. Brain damage, too. I had contusions on every lobe of my noodle except the Parietal. My Occipital had seen better days, which is why I wasn’t seeing very well. My L&R Frontal lobes, which compute actions & consequences, judgment, etc., were pretty mashed up, but I’m pretty sure they never worked anyway, so… no biggie there.

So there it was: shattered spine, brain damage, some busted bones in my torso & a scratch on my left knee. I knew my odds weren’t so good, because if they were, they’d have told me; “You’re gonna be fine! No worries!”… over & over again. But nobody ever tells a patient; “Your survival odds are just shy of 5%. At best. In all likelihood, you’re TOAST. Prepare your will, ASAP”.

Well screw that. NOBODY tells me when I’m gonna croak, or doesn’t tell me when they’re thinking it. So I figured I’d better find a blog by someone who lived. A DIY guide. Time to get inspired… Ink my game plan… and SURVIVE, bitches.

I never found that blog. So I wrote It.